Hurt, but why push myself into something where I'm not wanted.

No one understands my struggle.
Why do you always have to judge me?

Since the beginning of this school year, I have continuously been hearing about religion from my friends and some of my family. Every time, it makes me think back about someone who came across my way sometime last year. I wrote about the occurrence back then, and I thought I would try and look it up again. I don't know why, but for some reason it really had an impact on me even though my religious views have not particularly changed.

Self on the Throne

Leaving Gateway, I decided to retreat to one of my favorite places to sit on campus. As I was sitting under one of the trees outside of the engineering tower, blissfully playing my DS, I saw from under my hood two long legs approach. Instead of looking up to a familiar face, I stared into the eyes of a gracious stranger. This young guy introduced himself to me as Solomon. He asked me if I would be interested in listening to him read this little book he had called, the Four Spiritual Laws. I gladly said "sure," and put my DS away.

He began reading to me this little yellow paper book. Law 1: God loves you and offers a wonderful plan for your life. Law 2: Man is sinful and separated from God. Therefore, he cannot know and experience God's love and plan for his life. Law 3: Jesus Christ is God's only provision for man's sin. Through Him you can know and experience God's love and plan for your life. Law 4: We must individually receive Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord; then we can know and experience God's love and plan for our lives. There was a lot more to the book, but those were the basic underlying mentionings. He asked me a few questions on my perceptions on the readings, and I thoughtfully responded to him. Every time he asked me my view on something in the reading, I always answered in a more agnostic way, and I could tell he really valued my opinion. He finally asked me if I believed in God, and I told him what I always tell people who ask me that same question. I said that it's not that I don't believe in God, but more that I have never really given too much thought about it. I explained to him that in my opinion I don't think I really do believe, but at the same time I don't want to actually say it. He asked if I had ever just sat by myself sometimes in contemplation, and just felt really empty. I lied and told him that I never really did. He told me that a lot of people "don't really think about it" until they actually experience God by letting him in.

Solomon began telling me his amazing story involving his experience with God. Even though I couldn't relate all that much to it, I thought it was touching because I knew a few of my friends could have. He told me that he was originally from more northern California, and around early high school his family moved down to Torrence, California. It was a hard transition for him, and he didn't make a lot of friends. He even got teased often and got into a lot of fights. His parents were the type who punished and beat their kids, meaning him and his brother, if they did not get exceptionally good grades. As a sophomore, he was doing poorly in his AP bio class, and his teacher even suggested that he drop out of the course; this was already in the middle of the year. His teacher said that he was getting a D in the class, and it was really not something he wanted to bring home to his parents. On top of all this, he found out his grandpa, the family member he felt the closest to, had been diagnosed with cancer. By now, he had given up on God and shut the door. One night, he went into the kitchen and took three different butcher knives and cut up his arms. He was in immense pain and thought he would just bleed to death; he passed out from weariness. When he opened his eyes, he saw his cut up arms, but they were not bleeding. Instead, he saw what was like water coming out of his wounds -- he looked to God for saving him. When he woke completely, he went to his parents. They just freaked out and began apologizing for what they had done, and they told him that they didn't care about his grades anymore. From then on, things began to get much better. His relations with his parents improved, and when he returned to school, a kid he had never spoken to before in his AP bio class offered to help him. He ended up helping him get his D up to a C, passing the class. A little later, he heard his grandpa was coming from Korea to the U.S. to see his grandchildren because the doctors told him that he had less than a month to live. Amazingly, his grandpa made the 13 hour trip to see him and his brother. Sol went for a walk with his grandfather, and he told him that he didn't have to look for approval from anyone to be proud. Those words were really encouraging to him, and they're something he still carries with him today. A week later, his grandfather passed away. From then on, he did a lot better in school and said that every college university that he applied to rejected him. UCI was the last one to send out their letter, and he fortunately got in, when he said he really shouldn't have. So, he's here now and I suppose goes around sharing the words of Christ.

He said he was really glad that we talked, and I was too. Normally, people would tell him that they're not interested, which isn't surprising. I told him that I believe it's important to just see and listen to other people's perspectives, and to just be open-minded. He advised me to never really shut my doors, and that it was good I keep my options open.

We exchanged contact information. He gave me the meeting times of his Christianity club here on campus, and I willingly gave him my e-mail (but not my phone number this time).

I really enjoyed talking and mostly listening to him. At first, I was honestly a little uncomfortable when he was reading me the little yellow paper book, but I thought he was a really good person. I still don't think I will ever actually walk into Christianity. I wish I could have just conversed with him normally, without all of the religious speak.

Sorry Sol, but I don't think I'm ready to open my door to its full extent, at least not right now.

[May 16th, 2007]

I still don't really know what to think about all of it. In some ways, I believe I'm actually afraid of religion; not the idea of religion itself, but rather being afraid of accepting religion as a part of myself.

Save the date.

02.01.08
Academi Japanese Denim
Relaxed Straight Dry Grey Flame Selvage

01.31.08
Hair braided.

The past few days,

I have been riding a sea saw on the edge of a mental breakdown.

I keep thinking in my head, "I can't. I just can't do it." But at the same time, I cannot allow myself to stop moving. It's been really conflicting, because I just want to not be here. I feel like I have no where to go, and no one to go to anymore.

The worst part, is that I have barely had time to even just sit down and sob. I really want to, but my mind just tells me to be stronger for not only myself, but for others. I've been playing that role ever since elementary. I really don't want to anymore, but that's not who I am.

Auntie Gayle.

So, I've really been wanting to "reinvent" myself once again by rockin' off a new hairstyle. It's time for a change, but I have no idea of how I should cut it. At least it's long enough for the possibilities to be endless... somewhat.

Well, that's about it.

Peace cakes.

Mazumdar 1.

Man, I love taking classes by Professor Mazumdar. Last quarter was "Cultural Ecology and Environmental Design," (how culture affects domestic architecture, etc. etc.) and this quarter is all about "Elements of Environmental Design" (where we get to design actual buildings and such). Mr. Sanjoy Mazumdar said that UCI used to have his "Cultural Ecology and Environmental Design" class as a social ecology requirement. I have no idea why they would change that. There should be more courses on how culture affects everything... that there is in the world... I'm glad I'm taking another course by him this quarter, as well as a Psychology and Social Behavior class on "Human Development in Cross-Cultural Perspective," taught by funny guy Mr. Chuansheng Chen.

I just thought I'd share my first assignment for one of my Urban and Regional Planning classes. It's a "reflection on home." Basically somewhat of my childhood briefly laid out onto paper. It was a little nostalgic to write it. Just a little bit.

Throughout my life, there have been four main homes I consider to have actually lived in. There is the apartment in Newport Beach, where I currently reside for going to college at the University of California, Irvine. There is my parents’ house in Northern California, where I spent almost half of my life living in. There is also my grandmother’s house that is only a block away from my parents’, which I consider being like a second home to me since my brother and I would stay there during the day when my parents went to work. The last home is where I was raised until nine years old, which is also located in Northern California. This home in particular, has always been the one to evoke many memories and emotions.

There have been several prominent events that have occurred in this house to make it the most vividly remembered home. Many of these events happen to bring about negative emotions, but a few positive ones as well. This house was one story tall, but with an expansive area. From the outside, you can see the tall front windows spanning across from what seemed like the whole half of the house. On the side of the windows laid the flat one-step cement front porch, where I sat one afternoon after being kicked out by my alcoholic father for refusing to stop crying. Then there was the front door, chipped at the edges where the robber broke into our house and stole my mother’s prized stereo system and jewelry.

Upon entering the house, there was a large spread of cold white tiles where I remember always shying away behind my mother as strangers knocked on the door. Immediately across from this tiled floor was the living room, which held a mighty fireplace stuck into a wall of earthy jagged stones. I remember setting up a huge tent out in this well-carpeted room, pretending I was camping with my father and brother because our mother thought it would be too cold outside. It was also here that I would always witness my parents arguing. They would be constantly throwing words and fists at each other, and me sitting there crying without knowing what to do.

Separated by a large glass sliding door, you could enter the backyard from the living room. The whole backyard was laid out in a wooden deck, except for the side where there were lines of various fruit trees. The biggest tree of them all was the great apple tree, standing in a most spectacular manner. It was here in front of this tree, where my brother and I played with the stones that lay around this small orchard. We would collect these stones and gather them into a big glass jar. I was six years old when the jar suddenly exploded with hundreds of little glass shards flying into the air, and cutting my hand. Back into the house, and turning into the kitchen is where I ran to wash the blood that hastily fled from my hand.

Across from the sink where I cleaned my hand that was later stitched up, was the stove where I first experienced the phenomenon of burning and fire. I was no more than 4 or 5 years old when I accidentally swiped a cloth across the heated stove, lighting it on fire. In a panic, I ran to the family room and desperately smashed out the fire under the incredible black marble table, that was displayed as the centerpiece of the room. This same room was also where my first real pet was housed; a turtle with a dark brown shell, of which is still swimming along today.

These particular areas of the house are where I remember the most of my time spent living there. I will always have these memories and emotions in the back of my mind as I continuously move to other places. To me, it will always be my first actual home.

[There was a small sketch here that was on my actual paper. It was the front of my old house]

It's funny, because I've actually used this home in many papers I've written. I never seem to have a limit on how much I can express through it.

Self Progression, GO!

I am a heavy believer in progression, whether it is socially or just simply of the self. It feels like I have made a lot of progress this week. From the beginning of this quarter, I've kept telling myself to "step up." It's seriously what I need to do and continue to do right now. Especially since I am now a 3rd year here, at UCI. It's really hard to comprehend that I am actually a junior, because it literally feels as if I've lost a whole year. What the hell happened last year? I do not know. That is exactly why I have been telling myself to step up. I feel like there is so much left for me to do here, and every minute lost is incredibly conflicting. "I would be wasting too much, not giving myself to others," which is why I have been devoting so much of myself to APSA. Not only is it something worth putting time into for the progression of Asian and Pacific Islander -Americans, but it's something I'm comfortable enough to say that I am a part of. Some people may know this already, but a lot do not; I've spent my so-far years at UCI feeling a little lost, with nothing to call a part of my own. This year, I've finally found something, which brings me more to say about my progression of this week.

It feels like I've spent a huge amount of time on an APSA related agenda this week. APSA board meeting, our constituents meeting, API Heritage Month meeting, APSA general meeting, cooking for our curry/ thai iced tea food sale, ASUCI meeting for APAAC funding, and APAAC meeting all this week. Crazy, right? It's been a good experience so far: organization (well, somewhat) with well-composed execution (from what I saw). Exactly what I like. Thanks Grace Young. And this again brings more, of a potential design/ web internship at the Cross-Cultural Center for next year? Mmmm. Honestly, I was surprised at our APAAC meeting in the Cross. I mean, I was shocked that Sherwyn was so interested in giving me an internship for web design or anything of that matter, based on seeing a simple site I made. I think I was surprised, because a lot of the times I don't feel very able with my knowledge of design and coding. Well, considering I've self-taught myself all of it, and my major is not even close to dealing with computers in that matter. It was really cool that she was so web-savvy. I never get to talk to people about that kind of stuff and have them actually understand. Web 2.0? Yeah, it's sexy, in a raw commercial and marketing kind of way. But that's what it's all about, communication through simple style and execution. I know I originally told Jenny that I wasn't too confident in my graphic design abilities (since I deal more with web design than graphic). Considering the current circumstances, I really should have just said yes to designing the flyer in the first place, but I believe my reasons to still be valid. Especially when I really want APAAC to look really professional. I honestly do not think we are taken seriously enough, particularly by ASUCI. Either that, or people don't even know who we are. I digress. So, I'm now working on the APAAC flyer. I don't know why I got so tangent of my whole "needing to step up this year," but during the meeting it sparked. But yeah, I already have an incredible idea, along with an incredible roommate with an incredible camera to help me.

This quarter, I am taking the usual four classes, working at the Gardiner Lab about 12 hours a week, and being webmaster/ external chair intern for the Asian Pacific Student Association. Oh yeah, and possibly regularly attending Uncultivated Rabbits meetings every week. Monday was my very first meeting, ever. I've honestly always wanted to go, but never really felt that comfortable as a writer/ spoken wordist to show up. Yeah, I liked it. And yes, I have been putting to good use of the two major things I have brought back to Irvine from my short time at home during winter break. My laptop has not been missed at all while soaking up everything that is my 24" iMac. I have also been keeping up quite well with practicing my acoustic guitar. Fierce.

All of this, yet I am still so far behind in my readings for classes. Hello three-day weekend, how are you?

Last of all, for some reason, last Saturday night's party came at me all at once. "Brandon, do you have trouble meeting women?" "How come you don't have a girlfriend? You seem like the type that always has a girlfriend, at all times." Yes, I do have trouble meeting women. Oh, I just haven't really found anyone down here in Irvine. Lies. Yes, I have been single for quite a long time, but I've realized now, that I really do not have anymore reasons to be.

Basically.

It's about time I made a new blog/ journal.

Most of the times I wrote in these things, it was followed after some kind of emotional episode where I had no one to really talk to about it. Well, I believe in continuing what I have going for myself; just living and forgiving.

Current guilty pleasures

- driving while blasting All That Remains (favorite metalcore band)
- playing really bad guitar
- raison cigarettes

Needing/ wanting to do
- read new books I got
- redesign APSA site
- design this blog
- find something to substitute my gaming hunger

We'll see.

PS, recent accomplishments
- APAAC site
- leading first APSA general meeting activity
- turning in over $680 worth of signed timesheets for work

Mmm, APSA love and hard earned money.