Love & Projection

Since the beginning of this school year, I have continuously been hearing about religion from my friends and some of my family. Every time, it makes me think back about someone who came across my way sometime last year. I wrote about the occurrence back then, and I thought I would try and look it up again. I don't know why, but for some reason it really had an impact on me even though my religious views have not particularly changed.

Self on the Throne

Leaving Gateway, I decided to retreat to one of my favorite places to sit on campus. As I was sitting under one of the trees outside of the engineering tower, blissfully playing my DS, I saw from under my hood two long legs approach. Instead of looking up to a familiar face, I stared into the eyes of a gracious stranger. This young guy introduced himself to me as Solomon. He asked me if I would be interested in listening to him read this little book he had called, the Four Spiritual Laws. I gladly said "sure," and put my DS away.

He began reading to me this little yellow paper book. Law 1: God loves you and offers a wonderful plan for your life. Law 2: Man is sinful and separated from God. Therefore, he cannot know and experience God's love and plan for his life. Law 3: Jesus Christ is God's only provision for man's sin. Through Him you can know and experience God's love and plan for your life. Law 4: We must individually receive Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord; then we can know and experience God's love and plan for our lives. There was a lot more to the book, but those were the basic underlying mentionings. He asked me a few questions on my perceptions on the readings, and I thoughtfully responded to him. Every time he asked me my view on something in the reading, I always answered in a more agnostic way, and I could tell he really valued my opinion. He finally asked me if I believed in God, and I told him what I always tell people who ask me that same question. I said that it's not that I don't believe in God, but more that I have never really given too much thought about it. I explained to him that in my opinion I don't think I really do believe, but at the same time I don't want to actually say it. He asked if I had ever just sat by myself sometimes in contemplation, and just felt really empty. I lied and told him that I never really did. He told me that a lot of people "don't really think about it" until they actually experience God by letting him in.

Solomon began telling me his amazing story involving his experience with God. Even though I couldn't relate all that much to it, I thought it was touching because I knew a few of my friends could have. He told me that he was originally from more northern California, and around early high school his family moved down to Torrence, California. It was a hard transition for him, and he didn't make a lot of friends. He even got teased often and got into a lot of fights. His parents were the type who punished and beat their kids, meaning him and his brother, if they did not get exceptionally good grades. As a sophomore, he was doing poorly in his AP bio class, and his teacher even suggested that he drop out of the course; this was already in the middle of the year. His teacher said that he was getting a D in the class, and it was really not something he wanted to bring home to his parents. On top of all this, he found out his grandpa, the family member he felt the closest to, had been diagnosed with cancer. By now, he had given up on God and shut the door. One night, he went into the kitchen and took three different butcher knives and cut up his arms. He was in immense pain and thought he would just bleed to death; he passed out from weariness. When he opened his eyes, he saw his cut up arms, but they were not bleeding. Instead, he saw what was like water coming out of his wounds -- he looked to God for saving him. When he woke completely, he went to his parents. They just freaked out and began apologizing for what they had done, and they told him that they didn't care about his grades anymore. From then on, things began to get much better. His relations with his parents improved, and when he returned to school, a kid he had never spoken to before in his AP bio class offered to help him. He ended up helping him get his D up to a C, passing the class. A little later, he heard his grandpa was coming from Korea to the U.S. to see his grandchildren because the doctors told him that he had less than a month to live. Amazingly, his grandpa made the 13 hour trip to see him and his brother. Sol went for a walk with his grandfather, and he told him that he didn't have to look for approval from anyone to be proud. Those words were really encouraging to him, and they're something he still carries with him today. A week later, his grandfather passed away. From then on, he did a lot better in school and said that every college university that he applied to rejected him. UCI was the last one to send out their letter, and he fortunately got in, when he said he really shouldn't have. So, he's here now and I suppose goes around sharing the words of Christ.

He said he was really glad that we talked, and I was too. Normally, people would tell him that they're not interested, which isn't surprising. I told him that I believe it's important to just see and listen to other people's perspectives, and to just be open-minded. He advised me to never really shut my doors, and that it was good I keep my options open.

We exchanged contact information. He gave me the meeting times of his Christianity club here on campus, and I willingly gave him my e-mail (but not my phone number this time).

I really enjoyed talking and mostly listening to him. At first, I was honestly a little uncomfortable when he was reading me the little yellow paper book, but I thought he was a really good person. I still don't think I will ever actually walk into Christianity. I wish I could have just conversed with him normally, without all of the religious speak.

Sorry Sol, but I don't think I'm ready to open my door to its full extent, at least not right now.

[May 16th, 2007]

I still don't really know what to think about all of it. In some ways, I believe I'm actually afraid of religion; not the idea of religion itself, but rather being afraid of accepting religion as a part of myself.