Love & Projection

A decade after September 11.

2011-09-12T23:57:00.000-04:00

Sunday marked the 10th “Anniversary” of September 11, a whole decade since the World Trade Center Towers went crashing down in 2001. I come from a perspective that may differ from some people. To my generation, September 11 was the first tragedy of the United States to have burned before our eyes. I remember that morning, as many probably do, sitting in my first period, US History class – it was my first year in high school. Before I came to school that morning, I hadn’t even heard of what had happened. Walking into class, everyone was just sitting there, watching the news constantly replay images of debris falling and dust rising – with only snippets of planes crashing here and there, like they were concerned for the nation’s sensitivity. Throughout the whole school day, teachers kept the TV on with the news playing. Although there were some teachers who were resistant, and wanting to continue with their lessons, you could still sense the clouds above their heads. Despite the silent chaos running through everyone’s minds that day, I came home from school not really feeling anything different. I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t scared. Hell, I wasn’t even shocked. Honestly, I just didn’t know what to think of it.

There was a lot of talk, worry, and tension in my school that centered around one of the students who was Arab American. She wasn’t a close friend of mine, but she was still within my same circle of friends. Before September 11, I had been pretty unaware of her race and ethnicity. Back then, I actually didn’t think too much about people’s race and ethnicity besides my own, which stemmed from my own personal battles growing up with racism as a Chinese American living in a predominantly White neighborhood. Anyway, She was a pretty normal girl in my book. Her dad even owned a limousine business – the same one we rented a limo from for junior prom. A little after September 11, I remember she came to school very upset and utterly terrified. She told us these officers came knocking on her door to question her dad about any involvement he had with the events that recently transpired. Of course, he had no involvement.

It wasn’t until college I fully understood the implications of September 11 regarding politics and civil rights, particularly for the South Asian, Arab, Middle Eastern, and Muslim American communities. Despite the lives that were lost on September 11, the attack stirred up a larger tragedy. The seed of America’s Islamophobia was planted that day, growing right into our rich history of racism and xenophobia that we still experience. When September 11 happened, many Japanese Americans came to the defense of Muslim Americans who were quickly becoming the latest target for racial profiling (which is nothing really new for any ethnic minority) and hate crimes. As a people who were condemned to internment camps by their own nation because of the fear spread by the Japanese government’s attack on Pearl Harbor, Japanese Americans understood that what was happening to Muslim Americans, was not right. There are many things that are done in this country with an underlying racism, and are simply unjust to human and civil rights.

It is always said that we are bound to repeat our failures if we do not learn about our mistakes in history. However, I encourage people to not just remember the tragedies of our history, but to speak and act in order to move beyond them. I quote Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. in that “our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”

A trinity.

2011-06-02T11:34:00.000-04:00

Your praise is heard, yet I am not the Lord. My spirit is full, though filled with holes. I am not His son, but proud to be of a butcher.

Stay humble.

Belated to Yuri Kochiyama.

2011-05-20T11:07:00.002-04:00

Happy belated birthday to Yuri Kochiyama, and happy Asian Pacific American Heritage Month as well. Blue Scholars, Bambu, DJ Phatrick, Rocky Rivera. Their music remind me to always stride in the face of both our struggles and accomplishments.

Activism, uniting the blind to bring back their vision.

Please stand by.

2011-05-19T09:50:00.000-04:00

I am making an attempt to restore Love & Projection to its former righteous self. I was glancing through my Tumblr (which has also been quite dusty), and came across a dream I had written about 6 months ago. Although it was so long ago, I could still envision every color, every movement that had spiraled through my mind before waking up. 6-months old, and I'm reposting it here. It should have never belonged on my Tumblr anyway:

It was simply in reach as any other car door; jumping twenty-five feet up in the air, only to fail grasping the handle. I began to slowly fall as my moment of panic quickly shot through. The side of my head contacting concrete, and my eyes watching the streams of crimson flow away from me. My world shuttered into darkness.

With eyes open, I am sheltered by the morning lights.

Water among fire.

2011-05-18T16:26:00.003-04:00

You are the beautiful dragon exhaling breaths of radiance, a light bringing life to the phoenix of my soul. I rise again, reminded that love never comes with ease, but is always created from two burning strengths. We may become tangled, but through waters of patience, tides turn to waves by the beat of our hearts; moving together among the ends of earth.

A time of need, a time of change.

The Woes of Google/ Verizon and Net Neutrality.

2010-08-18T00:33:00.000-04:00

The io9 article, "How the Google/Verizon proposal could kill the internet in 5 years," sums up net neutrality pretty well:

"But guess what's going to remain on the public net, the place where you go when you don't have money? Certainly there will be educational resources like Wikipedia. But mostly it's going to be advertisement-saturated free content from major entertainment comapnies. And of course there will be many opportunities to give your personal information to Facebook, or gamble away your non-existent savings on Zynga games. (Sorry - did I say gamble? I meant "pay for premium poker game content.") Put in brick-and-mortar terms: There won't be any produce markets on the public internet, but there will be plenty of liquor stores."

Google/ Verizon are basically proposing to gentrify the internet.

Read the whole article, here.

Untitled 6.

2010-06-23T02:17:00.000-04:00

There's a section of sky in the east/ that I hold in my mind that I hold dear/ by the way there's a place where I hide all the things/ all the clouds that grow pregnant with fear

There's a spot on the sea that reminds me of peace/ that I try and hold in my mind/ but it rocks me to sleep where the sun turns to glitter/ with a dream and a tear in my eye

I feel the pull of the moon/ and it's phases and you and your fancies/ as I sit on a fence/ there's a place in my heart where ever you are/ and as long as you're there I can never get lost

There's a spot on my head where the sun beats me down/ like a kid with a looking glass/ like some karmic revenge from all the things that I've/ burned in the past

There's a face in the night that I'm wanting to see/ but tonight she's hiding half of her face from me/ there's a voice in the room that reminds me of you/ as long as you're there/ as long as I have you/ I can never get lost

Goh Nakamura's Section of Sky

You are always in my mind and my heart.

Untitled 5.

2010-04-20T17:50:00.000-04:00

I am lost between the fronts, but I am not striding just for me.

Sunday.

2010-04-05T02:50:00.001-04:00

The world had risen, then there was me.

The Phoenix.

2010-03-26T09:45:00.000-04:00

I posted a cut-up version a while back, but I wanted to revisit this quote in its entirety; from my favorite book:

There was a silly damn bird called a Phoenix back before Christ: every few hundred years he built a pyre and burned himself up. He must have been first cousin to Man. But every time he burnt himself up he sprang out of the ashes, he got himself born all over again. And it looks like we're doing the same thing, over and over, but we've got one damn thing the Phoenix never had. We know the damn silly thing we just did. We know all the damn silly things we've done for a thousand years, and as long as we know that and always have it around where we can see it, some day we'll stop making the goddam funeral pyres and jumping into the middle of them. We pick up a few more people that remember, every generation.

Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451

11th Dimension.

2010-03-18T04:22:00.000-04:00

Asian Americans directed and produced Julian Casablancas' music video for 11th Dimension. I'm a little proud.

At the end of yesterday.

2010-03-12T14:41:00.001-05:00

I am the glue, but I am not the gun.

Untitled 3.

2010-02-20T16:45:00.000-05:00

What I did to deserve this/ I don't know/ To wake up to something so beautiful/ There's not much I can say that you don't know/ And words will try to show my heart/ But that's impossible

It's scary too/ 'Cause I know nothing's for certain/ And fate please don't pull this curtain/ I guess I've been April's fool for so long

Voice inside says "I don't deserve you"/ But I would never want to be/ One to unnerve you

I guess I'm trying to keep that stuff inside/ When I see your arms open wide/ I guess I'm saying dear never mind/ And love you never fail me anytime

I guess I had a fear of hope/ And I don't know a thing of miracles/ Undefined and vague and cold/ 'Til you came long and took me/ Places I couldn't reach on my own

My heart and mind like/ Treble, bass in all keys/ Scattered notes/ You make symphonies/ I guess I'm saying you make sense of me/ I guess I'm saying "girl, where have you been?"

Goh Nakamura's Y.T.

Valentine.

2010-02-15T02:58:00.001-05:00

It's a strange thing to compare the feel of this day from years back to now.

Down.

2010-02-05T03:36:00.000-05:00

I felt the aches that come with it; my chest heavy, but came no tears. I yearned for that release, but I could not be met. Only further festering was to be remained. I cannot seem to find light when I do not know how I became engulfed by the dark.

Cut.

2010-02-04T23:17:00.000-05:00

Feeling it necessary to remove myself from the family smog, I stepped into the blood-chilling outside air. I curiously walked over to a normal looking police officer, who was oddly waiting on the sidewalk near the house. Waiting for who or what, I did not know. We had only begun to converse when a brown truck with a tan-striped side went revving by. Skidding the corner down the street, we heard a thunderous crash and a girl screaming in the distance. Without a moment of hesitation, I went sprinting to help whoever could have possibly been hurt. Jumping the hedges, I braked myself in mid-air as I saw the truck immediately in front of me. I collapsed to the hard concrete as if the ground beneath me had been ripped away. The driver leaped out of his truck, lunging toward me. The five-inch blade slid deep into my side. After the painful extraction, I reached to grab the knife in his hand, only for him to stab into the flesh between my thumb and forefinger. Trying to pull back and shield myself, he sliced about my left forearm and hand. The shield bled. I finally took hold of the knife, stabbing into the right side of his abdomen. Cutting severely into his chest, I did not look to see if he got up afterward. I slowly took step after step back to the house. The now seemingly odd police officer was nowhere in sight. I pushed the front door open with whatever strength I had left. Wandering around the family dinner party, I dripped crimson as I called out for my mother.

Waking at 6:27pm.

Boy's wake.

2010-01-19T21:35:00.000-05:00

I look to forward days; your knees bent before concrete and soil. The place of your palms cradle his roots of aged, draping between fingers of youth. With earth sifting through, and sprouts waking high; he swims back to you.

Conflict.

2010-01-18T17:34:00.000-05:00

And so it goes with machines. Astronomical sums are nice, but blood is best. Flesh is easier. Mind and will are excellent. The captain is all these. The computer doesn't know I live. The captain does. He looks, he sees, he interprets, he decides. He tells me where to go. And as he is my captain, as I go.

Straight to hell.

Then hell it is.

Ray Bradbury's Leviathan '99.

Feel of the leave.

2010-01-18T17:31:00.000-05:00

For even the thundering rocket, which rips the soul on Earth, walks silently some few miles high, treads the stars without footfall, as if in awe of the great cathedral of space.

Ray Bradbury's Leviathan '99.

So little to say, but so much time.

2009-12-30T07:16:00.000-05:00

Two days short of two months, stemming from a friendship of two years. Propelled too fast to be peculiar, only feeling simply natural. Our hearts enveloped within each other, to be warmed and held above the cold. Despite the surrounding noise, there is us. Among the specs, the bed, the table; we drifted about this plane. Only now, have we finally met.

Untitled 2.

2009-11-04T11:56:00.001-05:00

I think this is working really well. Us? Yeah.

I really think so too.

Untitled 1.

2009-10-25T23:10:00.000-04:00

No matter the escapes, your bludgeoning words are all I hear.
Though fragmented replay, the message remains whole.

I am fighting, struggling to not let you all down.

Twenty-two.

2009-09-20T02:23:00.000-04:00

Today, I am 22. I feel like during the time I was 21, I was at my peak. Turning 22, I realize there's just another gargantuan mountain that I have to climb.

Driving speed limit.

2009-09-16T02:01:00.000-04:00

Parting ways with my friend David a little after 10 at night, I walked towards my mom's '91 silver Accord. We had just watched Inglourious Basterds. It was okay. Instead of taking the freeway back home, I decided to take the long way and drive through the streets. It had been such a long time since I rode through those streets. I wanted to take my time, and actually drive according to speed limit. I drove through my middle school and high school. I drove past where my first girlfriend used to live. I drove by my grandparents' house. I drove home.

The arrival.

2009-09-15T19:28:00.000-04:00

Ever since I have arrived, home has been interesting. On the drive home from the airport, my mother was telling me about how my grandfather had fell again. She was listing all of the health issues he has been going through, and it really doesn't seem good. I thought about the day he passes, and what I would really remember about him. I feel like I don't know my grandfather very well. I don't believe he has really had a strong connection with any of his grandchildren. He was always visible during family functions, but never really present. One of those quiet grandfathers who just sits, watches television, and rambles a story about the past every now and then. I thought about what I would actually remember of him, and the only thing I could think of was terrible. I thought back to when I was much younger, back to when I was more of a troubled child. I remember crying and swearing over something at the table, and my grandfather got fed up with it. So, he took me to the backyard with a Chinese wooden back-scratcher in hand; it was for my back, but not to scratch an itch. I remember running to my mom as she came home from work. I told her what had happened. To my surprise, she had nothing to say about it. It seemed more like she didn't have the courage to confront her father about it. That day, was also my first and only recollection of feeling like my mother had betrayed me.

The whole drive home from the airport, my parents were harshly bickering with each other. It was nothing new, but I was still taken aback. I suppose it was because I haven't been around for a long time. After continuously listening to them, it made me think, "I really am home now." The rest of my night was a quiet one at my parents' house. A lot of my hometown friends are too busy during the day and can't stay out as late during the night. So, I just continued reading Pedagogy of the Oppressed until I fell asleep.

Sleeping in a different position from normal, or even a whole different location makes you much more aware while asleep. Thus, you're supposed to be able to remember your dreams much more vividly. My dream last night was quite strange. For some odd reason, I dreamed about someone I really did not expect. It was about a person who I never actually dated, but was hung up over for a long time after we stopped talking. I thought I had been over her after almost a year now. It was an interesting way to wake up to my first morning at home.

Today has been unexpectedly warm and slow. The weather isn't as cool as I hoped, but the night was nice. Knowing that it will probably be another long period before I return here, I started texting people I normally wouldn't, or haven't seen in a long time. It got me into a text conversation with one of my old friends, who used to be my best friend in high school. However, over the years, our connection faded as our life paths continued to rapidly grow apart. He is someone who I saw and talked to probably five or so times whenever I came up to visit. Regardless, I walked over to his house even though we only had 20 minutes before he had to go to work. It makes me immensely happy to know that we can just talk to each other out of nowhere and begin to catch up like we did.

It hasn't even been a full day at home yet. I feel good about it, but still in the middle ground.

Tonight's flight.

2009-09-14T20:30:00.000-04:00

8:05pm is the time of my departing flight to the Oakland International Airport. It has been exactly 9 months and 10 days since I've been home. I've often found myself referring to going home as "going up north," or "going to Northern California." Odd enough, the past four years I've considered Irvine as my home, and I would rarely go up north. My infrequent visits to home were primarily due to my restraints of working and student organizing. With my new job starting on the 21st, I know it will be even rarer for me to visit.

In the past, I actually resented going home for awhile. I found that every time I was up there, I just wanted to be back down in Irvine. A lot of it has to do with how much I have changed as a person these past four years. I feel the ways I have progressed in my mindset and the social consciousness I hold as a person, defers me from a lot of my former high school friendships. Home should be a place where you feel most comfortable with friends and family. Over the years, I have definitely found a lot more of these two things down here, in Irvine. Although I cherish those memories I had with former high school friends, I found it hard for me to continue with them. I also sometimes felt like I was wasting my time at home, and not being productive. Now that my undergraduate career is complete, and my longest absence from home is nearing an end, I finally feel like it will be a worthwhile, relaxing time.

Despite all of this, I believe it is the most excited I've ever been to visit home.

I wonder how foreign it will actually feel.

Annie le.

2009-09-14T18:37:00.000-04:00

Annie Le, a 24 year-old Yale graduate student, and daughter of Vietnamese immigrants, went missing a just a few days before her wedding. She was last seen Tuesday morning, September 8, on surveillance cameras entering the university lab where she worked. However, cameras never recorded her leaving. The latest update to this story makes me sick. It reports police finding a body within the university lab wall, only assumed to be Annie Le as of right now. Yale is offering a $10,000 reward to anyone who has information on the case.

I've been following this very disheartening story lately. As sad as it is to say, I'm not usually one to be affected much by disturbing stories on the news. However, this one just really makes me ill.

Part three: burning bright.

2009-09-13T18:04:00.000-04:00

There was a silly damn bird called a phoenix back before Christ, every few years he built a pyre and burnt himself up.

But every time he burnt himself up he sprang out of the ashes, he got himself born all over again. Someday we'll stop making the goddamn funeral pyres and jumping in the middle of them.

Graphic novel adaptation of Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451, by Tim Hamilton.

Encapsulated night.

2009-09-11T02:26:00.000-04:00

It seems like tonight is a quiet night. I'm sitting here bustling with excitement from the news I received earlier today. I feel the need to direct this energy in someway, but the night is a reserved one. Beginning September 21, I will be working as Program Coordinator for UC Riverside's Asian Pacific Student Programs. It's been quite a long process since I first applied for this position. Although it is all the way in Riverside and the pay decent enough, it is a position that fits me really well and one I hope to love.

After speaking on the phone with Joe Virata, Director of UC Riverside's Asian Pacific Student Programs, I went to hangout with my friend Grace Young. It was really nice to say the least. It was also something I felt like I owed to her. She has been a great friend these past few years even though I wasn't around as much as I had liked. We spent a long while sitting up on the grassy knolls, smoking Camel No. 9s and talking about life. We briefly spoke about considering each other as family here, in Irvine. Despite her distant travels to San Gabriel or South Africa, along with my own absences, I'm glad it's always simple enough to resume our lives where we left off; like family.

Anticipating the shades of gray.

2009-09-10T05:26:00.000-04:00

I find it calming when I am submersed in darkness; a room where you can't tell if your eyes are open or closed. This darkness is always followed by a surreal and soothing quiet. It brings on a sort of melancholy, yet peaceful feeling. I miss that feeling. It makes me think of how much I want the fall and winter seasons to come. I enjoy how the environment breathes a crisp, sulky glaze over everything. I especially love fall and winter fashion, and the accessibility of wearing layers.

PS, I've been listening to this song "Fireflies" by Owl City.

Fireflies - Owl City

The future leads.

2009-09-09T20:17:00.000-04:00

When I first applied to be a SPOP Coordinator during the Fall of 2008, my main reason was guided by leadership. At that time, it was a recent ambition of mine to set myself onto the career path of student affairs. Looking back even further, this striving began from my involvements and interactions that made me truly love working with college students, my now foregoing peers. One of my first experiences with this was when I was a statistics tutor for the UC Irvine Learning and Academic Resource Center back in the Spring of 2008. Although I was a tutor for only a quarter, the relationships and bridges of education I made during that short time with my students had been so fulfilling. It was always nice to see familiar faces of my former students around campus. Onto my fourth year, I quickly began to love the collectivity, influence, and dedication of student organizations. I saw this with APSA and the other organizations that surrounded us that were comprised of many incredible student leaders. Whether you believe it or not, if you are a board member of a campus organization, you are a student leader. Never forget the influence you have in the position you hold. While working at the UCI Cross-Cultural Center, I full-heartedly admired the work that Sherwynn Umali and Floyd Lai did there. They were the ones who really pushed my thoughts about getting into student affairs into an actualization. In fact, Papa Floyd was the one who suggested me to apply for SPOP Coordinator in the first place.

Before and during my time as a SPOP Coordinator, I always spoke about how big I was on leadership development. Prior to applying for SPOP, I had heard the program invoked a lot of development for both the student staffers and the incoming students as well. It was also something I had seen. It really warmed my heart whenever I heard people's stories of how they became more involved on campus because of the encouragement they received during their incoming SPOP experience. Just yesterday, as I was walking through the Cross-Cultural Center, I walked into the APSA room just to see how much it had changed. As I opened the door, I stood there with two girls staring back at me. One was an intern for APSA after just transferring to UC Irvine, and the other was a board member of AISA, the American Indian Student Association. When I mentioned I had just been a SPOP Coordinator for this past summer, the girl from AISA exclaimed her excitement as she had just went through it the previous summer. It's such a lovely feeling to meet young student leaders.

As a person studying at a university, you are the future. I've come to think this is something people do not realize until they are set into a position of leadership; it definitely comes with experience. That is the reason why I get excited whenever I see first and second years getting really involved with their campus so soon. It gives them that much more time to continue great things while they are still here at a university. Time really passes quicker than you may realize. Especially, when it is finally time to step forth and apply your experiences, skills, and steady mindset you have accumulated from the past few years. Personally, I regretted not getting as involved until my third year. I used to wish I had more time here. There was still so much more I wanted to do. However, I've realized it truly is my time to go and let the new generation of future leaders carry on.

I have faith that SPOP this summer has directed these new students to become more motivated and confidant in leading their own lives, and potentially the lives of future others.

A song for ourselves.

2009-09-09T02:14:00.000-04:00

After writing my last entry about APSA, I started relistening to DJ Phatrick's A Song For Ourselves Mixtape. I downloaded this mixtape around the time of last year's Asian Pacific American Awareness Conference that we put on with the theme of, "Our Rising Artists." The first time I set my ears to these beats, narratives, and lyrics, it reignited my passion for APSA and cultural/ social activism. This remains true tonight.

You can download the mixtape for free on DJ Phatrick's blog.

APSA 9.05.2009.

2009-09-07T18:37:00.000-04:00

This past Saturday was the 1st Annual APSA Reunion. As I was talking with Grace, we both realized how much love we really had for APSA. Although our time and progression with this student organization has ended, it will always continue to be a part of us. I loved this organization so much when we were a part of it, and I felt it was love that guided us. Not just love for the people, but love for our community, humanity, and justice. The past two years I was involved with the Asian Pacific Student Association, we were an incredibly small organization on campus. However, our size and relatively non-existent general membership never stopped us in our strive to fulfill our mission and beliefs.

The reunion really put all of this into a clearer perspective for me. I met people who were in APSA from many years back, who were much older than myself. It was nothing like I had expected, but again, I never set those high expectations. Everyone there had been through so much, and it was really comforting to see how close they still were with each other. I can only hope for the years I was apart of APSA to be like that, just hanging around at one of our houses and being like a big family. In some ways, when our time comes, I hope these meetings continue and become like a family reunion for us. I felt like many of the people I was in APSA with these past two years were my family at UC Irvine. It was my first involvement on campus I felt like I had belonged.

It is where I began. I owe so much to this single student organization. It was where I was rooted, pushing me to grow onto so many other involvements and opportunities. I can't even imagine where I would be today if I had never gotten involved with APSA.

1st Annual APSA Reunion, Ron Wilson's house 2009

Asian Pacific American Awareness Conference, APSA Board 2009
with our keynote speaker, Parry Shen

Grace Young's External Chair Interns, APSA 2008

Back to school.

2009-09-07T18:30:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow, September 8, President Barack Obama will be making a speech for a Back to School Event in Arlington, Virginia. I just read Obama's prepared remarks for tomorrow, and I believe it is something that needs to be heard. If you plan on listening to this somewhere, I still believe it needs to be read; to take in every word.

Writing royal.

2009-09-05T05:40:00.000-04:00

After reading Jason's blog, and his entry displaying his "Coord Advice," I feel compelled to do the same. I suppose this is just the same as when he read my own entry displaying my "Coord Pearls of Wisdom" before SPOP had even started.

Dear Coordinators of future times,

I want to truly congratulate you all. Whether you have been part of this program for years, or beginning a completely new experience with SPOP, you all are in for an incredible journey with one another. I hold the most upmost confidence in all of you, especially since you all have been selected with such great purpose by mike Knox and Jill Halvaks. From many past/ potentially future staffers, you may hear that SPOP is a life-changing program. Little do people know, it is so much more coming from the work and perspective of a coordinator. You all are about to embark on a long and amazing experience, and trust me it is quite long. Despite all of this, just as in anything else you may do, don’t set too many expectations for yourself and how you may change. You will definitely learn more about yourself, but your core character will never truly change. That is why you all have been chosen, to bring your own perspectives, values, and character to influence the program.

As coordinators, you all embody the force that really drives SPOP to be what it is. Soon enough, you will be finding yourselves working every day together, and devoting tremendous amounts of time to this one program; together. Always remember that you five will have each other to fall back on when times get rough. It has been expressed that SPOP is a program that develops an immense support system. However, as coordinators, you are each other’s largest support. You are the rock and anchor for one another. This factor greatly contributes to the cohesiveness in your team. When working together, it is important to not overstep each other. When making decisions, be conscious of whether everyone is for something or not. If not, it is immensely valuable to take the time to discuss more within your team to clarify reason and intention. With this, you learn to be patient, and this is actually quite the understatement. If you already thought of yourself as a patient person, you will learn to become even more so. In the end, it really comes down to just trusting one another, and sticking together. I cannot stress enough how significant it is to not only show cohesiveness within the coordinators to staff, but actually be a cohesive team as well. During the school year, you all will probably be incredibly busy with all your other involvements and jobs, along with SPOP. Just remember to at least try and schedule some time together outside of work. It will benefit everyone greatly.

Going through this experience, you may have doubts about yourself, the staff, or the program itself, especially if you have never been involved with SPOP before. However, don’t be afraid to express this to one another. As a coordinator who had never been a staffer, I truly valued the insight of the coordinators who had staffed in past years. If anything, they added onto the ambition for me to continue. They reminded me why I and the other four were coordinators for this program. Those doubts you may have will soon fade away as long as you stay strong to your values.

I am extremely excited for you five this coming year, and I hope for only the best. I know me and the other coordinators are already proud to have you all continue progressing this program to be incredible, as well as truly showing SPOP for what it is.

Best Regards,
Brandon Kwong

It's interesting to see how my advice has been so directed in a certain way, that it really relates to one of my five strengths; harmony. I believe this was a strength that played a major role within our group of coordinators. However, I believe my other strengths I utilized the best I could with the staff and program; developer, individualization, empathy, and responsibility. It seems that so many of my academically involved peers are so familiar with StrengthsFinder, knowing and utilizing their top five strengths. It wasn't until a few months ago I actually took this test. It's nothing I was really surprised about, but it was quite interesting in seeing how much of it I actually applied to this program and everything else I do.

In submitting my Coord Advice to our Royal Year Binder, it truly signifies the closing for us as coordinators. I remember Jill Halvaks making her final words during the SPOP Closing lunch, and how her tearing up began to choke myself up as well. She said that without us coordinators, this program would not be here, nor would there be the staff that had sat before us. It works in other ways as well. Without the staff, there would be no program to be run. Only by working together, do we create such an incredible program for UC Irvine's incoming students and parents. It is true though, that without us coordinators, we would not have been able to pick such a wonderful and lovely staff.

I wouldn't have worked with any other 134 beautiful people.

Designing royal.

2009-09-05T04:58:00.001-04:00

I never really talked about why I designed the SPOP staff shirt the way I did. I briefly touched on it within a SPOP sweatshirt forum discussion. I thought I'd share a small excerpt from my post:

When I designed the SPOP staff shirts, there were a lot of subtlety I tried to convey through it. For instance, the lion is usually a symbol seen in royalty, but not a lot of people see that because it's not portrayed as that "traditional" medieval lion that is often seen. Progression is always a good thing, and sometimes unconventionality is something that needs to be conveyed. Another example of subtlety in design, is the upside down crown that is on the front of the SPOP staff shirt. I purposely made the crown upside down, because although we are "royal" year, we have to remember that we are human, and we are not always on top/ above others. Remember when we staff, the incoming students/ your spoppers are your peers as well.

Sunset, sunrise. Set me ablaze.

2009-09-05T02:22:00.000-04:00

The past few days have felt like a gripping journey through a fluctuating, bone-sheathed spiral. Does that make sense? More than likely not. It's about time I get a sketchbook to illustrate all of these feelings, but this is not the time to digress so quickly.

I decided to work from home beginning Wednesday morning. All that had to be done for SPOP was write my "Coord Advice" for next year's coordinators. The whole time I was writing this letter, it gave a real nostalgic feeling. It made me really miss the early times I had with my other coordinators, yet I was so excited for all of us to move on and to see what future coordinators may come. I really meant what I had said at the end of our SPOP closing, that our team of five coordinators had been the most cohesive group I had ever worked with. I am truly grateful for these four other people. I cannot possibly imagine my SPOP experience without them.

The day continued to be a wonderful one, spending time with SPOP people I hadn't seen in a long while. Went swimming, ate all you can eat sushi at You & I, and just generally hung out. It was around 1:00am when people wanted to go on a night beach adventure. I had to pass. I began to feel really tired, and my left tonsil sore. I immediately passed out at home, where the night really began. I couldn't tell if I had a fever, or if I was was just having feverish dreams. I also kept on periodically waking up, or what I thought to be waking up. Regardless, I "woke up" with now both of my tonsils feeling sore, having it hard to swallow. My body covered in sweat, my head slightly hurting, I closed back my weary eyes. I opened them again to see the time on my phone; 3:36am. I slowly drifted my eyes toward the window, noticing my room was being filled with flashes of green light. Still drowning in hot sweat, I became utterly terrified. However, I did not have the energy or the slightest notion of what to do but close my eyes once again. I later "woke up" with the room completely dark this time, yet still feeling a small sense of unknown, sweltering fear. Again, not knowing what to do, I turned my head and closed my eyes. I finally opened my eyes to see the sun, and sat up on my bed. After waking up this time, I could not tell if I had actually woken up the times before. Had they been just feverish nightmares? I do not know.

Thursday and Friday were supposed to be days for me to go into the Cross-Cultural Center to finally wrap up some unfinished work. Unfortunately, my sickness set me back. Sorry Floyd Lai, but this design and publicity intern folder will definitely be finished by early next week. At least I got the REACH workshop request form working, thanks to mike knox's knowledge of Mr. Tajiri's changes. Instead of really working, I spent the majority of Thursday in bed, sweating like my body had been in drought for years. It never occurred to me what it was like being sick during the summer. Well, let me tell you. It's pretty awful. My room is hot as it is, with it being in the front of our apartment with two windows facing the sun. It also doesn't help that Montag's heat lamp emits another sun within my room. Just right now, it says it is 85.1 degrees. Imagine it during the day. Anyway, it was nice that Kevin and Ken brought me over DayQuil. Massive amounts of orange juice, DayQuil, and raw will to get better before this weekend has gotten me through the past 48 hours pretty well.

Waking up Friday, it wasn't too bad. My throat still a bit sore, but with the determination to get better, I continued to down orange juice and DayQuil. I was told that dressing like you're not sick tricks your body into thinking it's actually not sick. Thinking about the past, the times I've decided to just get up and go out while sick made me feel a lot better. I had planned a lunch/ dinner date with a couple of friends for Friday, both I had been already pushing far enough. I had lunch with my friend Christine, who I hadn't seen in oh, so long. We ate at Ruby's Diner, and watched Up at the dollar theater. It was quite nice. I later had dinner with Candice at Kaju Soft Tofu. My brother and I used to dine here so frequently. The waitresses, who we basically viewed as our Korean aunts, would always welcome us so warmly and referred to us as "the brothers." I'm surprised the waitress still remembers me. I hadn't been there in the longest time, but it was really touching to know I was seen as a familiar face.

At the end of the night, I found myself looking through old Facebook photos of myself. It seemed like I was turning through pages of historical documents. It's incredible to think how much I have actually accomplished at UC Irvine to get where I am today. It's pretty crazy how many hairstyles and weight changes I've been through as well. Despite finally realizing the need to get back into shape, I also realized this coming weekend will be nearing the completion of a lot of cycles for me. Saturday, I will be attending the first annual APSA Alumni Potluck at Ron Wilson's house. I have not yet met Ron Wilson, but he is supposedly a former significant advisor to APSA way back in the day. I cannot wait to see some new and familiar faces, as APSA has given so much to me to give back to the world these past two years. Saturday night is also supposed to be the SPOP Alumni Party. I do not really know what to expect from this, but it shall be interesting nonetheless. Sunday, I plan to attend the North American Reptile Breeders Conference at the Anaheim Convention Center. This is where I got Montag at 7 weeks old, exactly a year ago. I love seeing all the different exotic breeds of reptiles and amphibians. It takes me back to when I was a kid, when my father used to bring me to reptile shops in Concord and Berkeley.

This weekend brings a lot of excitement, yet there is still a lot of work ahead. I was planning on flying up North sometime next week, but we'll see about that. I haven't been home in exactly nine months now.

Wants:

- a sketchbook

- to start reading "A Different Mirror: A History of Multicultural America"

- to start reading "Pedagogy of the Oppressed"

- the Fall/ Winter to cast over

- to be set ablaze with love

- a job

PS, these guys have got it going on. However, there's just something that's not quite right.

The last one.

2009-04-23T04:15:00.000-04:00

Spop zero.

2009-03-26T06:30:00.001-04:00

Open hearts and open minds. There are so many exciting and new experiences you will be encountering this upcoming spring quarter and summer. The incredible journey we are about to embark on together will be amazing. Some might even say mind-blowing. However, I really want to express not coming into this program with great expectations. Instead, I want you all to come into this program eager, as many of you already are. Eager to learn, to accept, to understand and feel what we are all here for, together. Please, take your first few steps into this program with an open mind and open heart. It is true that the experience you have here is really how you make it. You have the potential to make this one of the greatest experiences here at UC Irvine for yourself, the people you will be working with, but most importantly, the incoming students.

There is no doubt there will be challenges. However, these challenges are what I look forward to. I implore you to embrace the challenges and obstacles we may be presented with. It is from these challenges that we truly learn and grow. Although the road may be rough, drive yourself to overcome. Never forget our purpose of being here for the incoming students. You all were chosen as our staff for a reason. We believe in you. We love you.

Silver photo charm.

2009-03-16T02:21:00.001-04:00

It's amazing what I find while trying to look for one green colored pencil.

"Our Dreams Together, 2005"

I don't know if I've looked that happy since then.

I still have not found that colored pencil..

Purple.

2009-03-05T10:47:00.001-05:00

Congratulatory page for

UCI Kababayan's 35th Anniversary Gala.

Lost UCI MLK, Jr. Symposium Keynote Poster

Lani Gunier.

Chasing jigsaws.

2009-02-28T02:47:00.000-05:00

Today was my first, full day off. It feels like it's been more than forever. I really should have started on some work that's coming up this next week. Instead, I woke up, did my usual Internets thing, watched 3/4 of the new Futurama movie, and then fell asleep during the last fourth of the movie.. for a couple of hours. Amazing. I never know when I'm tired anymore, until it just actually hits me and I have no time to respond. I woke up, watched the rest of the movie, cleaned up a bit, and continued to roam the Internets.

I found this mash-up of Adele's Chasing Pavements, and Radiohead's Jigsaw Falling Into Place. I've been into this new Adele song lately, and I just simply love Radiohead. If anything, finding this mix was a nice surprise for today.

Also, my brother tells me I'm 098.

BOOMBOX from Ely Kim on Vimeo.

Do I regret this unproductive day? Hardly.

The lonely stoner.

2009-02-27T03:54:00.003-05:00

The day has interestingly developed toward its end.

Not quite as satisfying after all.

Wants:

- simplicity

2009-02-26T22:28:00.000-05:00

"You are capable of tremendous creativity" (2/26/09).

Today was satisfying. Today was good.

It started with wanting something, and then we went out and got it. It was that simple.

Came back and volunteered for Vietnamese American Coalition's Shadow Day. It was my first involvement with a high school outreach program at UC Irvine. It was quite interesting, getting up and presenting a few words about my school and major among a panel of peers to these excited high schoolers. I believe the best part of my day was when we went on a tour, showing the students around half the campus. It was a really small group of maybe eight or so aspiring social science/ social ecology students. I liked that it was a smaller crowd, because I felt we made that much of a stronger connection with them. I really didn't realize our impact until one of them came up to my friend and I to thank us before leaving the campus.

I imagine this was only a glimpse of what it would be like if I ever was a SPOP staffer.

Feelings of satisfaction, and the day is not even over.

Hello, I'm awake.

2009-02-22T12:09:00.000-05:00

It's been ten days since I last went to take a nap, and ended up passing out for 13 hours. It's also been a long time since I've had such a crazy lucid dream. Since the beginning of my 3rd year, I've been averaging around 5-6 hours of sleep a night. It's been normal. But now.. Is this my body's way of telling me I'm taking on too much? It's true that almost every aspect of my life has been making my energy spiral down. But, it's more like those little helicopter leaves I would throw up into the air, and slowly watch spiral down. Oh, childhood.

Asian Pacific Student Association-

This past Saturday was our 24th Annual Asian Pacific American Awareness Conference. This year's theme was, "Our Rising Artists." Are we not being critical enough with our conference surrounding Asian Pacific American arts and media? I don't think we could have brought out anything better. We are not just social activists (although I am almost afraid of using this word), but being Asian Pacific Americans, we are cultural activists as well.

DJ Phatrick couldn't have put together a better mixtape to illustrate all of my feelings right now: A Song for Ourselves. Download it. It's free. Thanks DJ Phatrick to coming out to APAAC with Bambu. Despite all of the tribulations that occurred during the planning and the actual event, I am happily satisfied with our final product.

Cross-Cultural Center-

Last Thursday, Februrary 12th, was the Cross-Cultural Center's Annual Pictionary Tournament. I am really sorry I missed this. This was the night I went to take a nap, and woke up the next morning with all my clothes still on from the day before. Experiencing this design and publicity internship I have with the Cross has taught me a lot. I learned that I will probably not go into publicity or marketing as a career. It has also reinforced the fact that I enjoy and feel more comfortable with web design than graphic design. Although, It's sad when I know I have the opportunity to work more with web design and development at the Cross, but I simply do not have enough energy to.

Student Parent Orientation Program-

The past month has been amazing. I never knew how much I could actually balance in my life until this program actually started rolling with interviews. Yesterday, we finally started the selection process for returner staffers. To say the least, it's been hard. There are so many good people out there to be chosen, but I feel it's really been coming down to two things: how well everyone will work together as a team, and how hard someone is willing to fight for another. I honestly didn't think it would be this difficult because of the cohesiveness of our team. However, I am thankful for these people- these other coordinators. I've seen how strong each of our characters are, and I want to trust each other. As hard as it may be, I like it.

Classes-

I have definitely been lacking in this department of my life. I purposely chose to take only 12 units this quarter, imagining the stress I would be getting into. My plan backfired on me, and it turned out all three of my classes have been packing me with work. It's like going to school with a bagged lunch, given to you by your loving mom, but opening it to only find all the foods you don't like. The only one that really matters is my potentially last psychology and social behavior class. Although my classes have been hoarding work, there is one I have been enjoying- but for really odd reasons. Experience Design is my third class I've taken by Professor Mazumdar. His classes are the ones that make me proud of my urban and regional planning minor. Every Tuesday, I am reminded how much I love design- not just any singular design like architectural design, graphic design, web design, interior design, etc.- but, loving design for what it is. Also, my Experience Design notebook has somehow become my new sketchbook.. Haha, love those three hour classes that are always taken to the end.

Despite the realities, there hasn't been one thing I regret (except maybe not being able to focus as much on my studies). With all of the struggles to balance my involvements, it has made me want to enjoy my leisure time that much more. I've picked up and dusted off my guitar. I've started drawing again (somewhat). I've been given the urge to design something for myself for once.. It's been years since I've done this one, but we'll see how that one goes.

Montag's finally beginning to shed his head- maybe it's time to ease up a bit, myself.

Crosswork.

2009-02-05T01:55:00.001-05:00

I realized the other day that I didn't actually have any of the designs that I've made at the UCI Cross-Cultural Center. So, today at the end of work, I compiled all of the designs I've done so far. Before beginning this design & publicity internship, I already knew I didn't particularly care for graphic design. Through my experiences so far, it's been pretty much confirmed. Although I knew I didn't really like doing graphic design, I entered the position more for the web design. A lot of people think it's the same thing, but it's completely different. I could go on about this, but I'll just let these images speak instead.

Posters:

Flyers:

Misc:

Icons:

Websites:

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Symposium 2009

Busy.

2009-02-03T00:33:00.000-05:00

Like the humming bird who cannot and will not stop.

I am doing so much with my time during my last year here, at UCI. Yet, I feel like there's so much more I want to do. I'm honestly beginning to get really unmotivated about my classes, but it's not even from the "can't wait to graduate" mindset. Ever since I made the decision to start getting more involved on my campus, way back when- during my 3rd year, it's become like a continuous roaring of a snowball. I'm already feeling the drain.

Good. Great. Wonderful.

But really, I am excited for what's ahead of me.

Wants:

- clarity

- reassurance

- sketchbook

2008-05-18T15:55:00.000-04:00

Hurt, but why push myself into something where I'm not wanted.

2008-03-15T02:37:00.001-04:00

No one understands my struggle.
Why do you always have to judge me?

2008-02-19T06:40:00.000-05:00

Since the beginning of this school year, I have continuously been hearing about religion from my friends and some of my family. Every time, it makes me think back about someone who came across my way sometime last year. I wrote about the occurrence back then, and I thought I would try and look it up again. I don't know why, but for some reason it really had an impact on me even though my religious views have not particularly changed.

Self on the Throne

Leaving Gateway, I decided to retreat to one of my favorite places to sit on campus. As I was sitting under one of the trees outside of the engineering tower, blissfully playing my DS, I saw from under my hood two long legs approach. Instead of looking up to a familiar face, I stared into the eyes of a gracious stranger. This young guy introduced himself to me as Solomon. He asked me if I would be interested in listening to him read this little book he had called, the Four Spiritual Laws. I gladly said "sure," and put my DS away.

He began reading to me this little yellow paper book. Law 1: God loves you and offers a wonderful plan for your life. Law 2: Man is sinful and separated from God. Therefore, he cannot know and experience God's love and plan for his life. Law 3: Jesus Christ is God's only provision for man's sin. Through Him you can know and experience God's love and plan for your life. Law 4: We must individually receive Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord; then we can know and experience God's love and plan for our lives. There was a lot more to the book, but those were the basic underlying mentionings. He asked me a few questions on my perceptions on the readings, and I thoughtfully responded to him. Every time he asked me my view on something in the reading, I always answered in a more agnostic way, and I could tell he really valued my opinion. He finally asked me if I believed in God, and I told him what I always tell people who ask me that same question. I said that it's not that I don't believe in God, but more that I have never really given too much thought about it. I explained to him that in my opinion I don't think I really do believe, but at the same time I don't want to actually say it. He asked if I had ever just sat by myself sometimes in contemplation, and just felt really empty. I lied and told him that I never really did. He told me that a lot of people "don't really think about it" until they actually experience God by letting him in.

Solomon began telling me his amazing story involving his experience with God. Even though I couldn't relate all that much to it, I thought it was touching because I knew a few of my friends could have. He told me that he was originally from more northern California, and around early high school his family moved down to Torrence, California. It was a hard transition for him, and he didn't make a lot of friends. He even got teased often and got into a lot of fights. His parents were the type who punished and beat their kids, meaning him and his brother, if they did not get exceptionally good grades. As a sophomore, he was doing poorly in his AP bio class, and his teacher even suggested that he drop out of the course; this was already in the middle of the year. His teacher said that he was getting a D in the class, and it was really not something he wanted to bring home to his parents. On top of all this, he found out his grandpa, the family member he felt the closest to, had been diagnosed with cancer. By now, he had given up on God and shut the door. One night, he went into the kitchen and took three different butcher knives and cut up his arms. He was in immense pain and thought he would just bleed to death; he passed out from weariness. When he opened his eyes, he saw his cut up arms, but they were not bleeding. Instead, he saw what was like water coming out of his wounds -- he looked to God for saving him. When he woke completely, he went to his parents. They just freaked out and began apologizing for what they had done, and they told him that they didn't care about his grades anymore. From then on, things began to get much better. His relations with his parents improved, and when he returned to school, a kid he had never spoken to before in his AP bio class offered to help him. He ended up helping him get his D up to a C, passing the class. A little later, he heard his grandpa was coming from Korea to the U.S. to see his grandchildren because the doctors told him that he had less than a month to live. Amazingly, his grandpa made the 13 hour trip to see him and his brother. Sol went for a walk with his grandfather, and he told him that he didn't have to look for approval from anyone to be proud. Those words were really encouraging to him, and they're something he still carries with him today. A week later, his grandfather passed away. From then on, he did a lot better in school and said that every college university that he applied to rejected him. UCI was the last one to send out their letter, and he fortunately got in, when he said he really shouldn't have. So, he's here now and I suppose goes around sharing the words of Christ.

He said he was really glad that we talked, and I was too. Normally, people would tell him that they're not interested, which isn't surprising. I told him that I believe it's important to just see and listen to other people's perspectives, and to just be open-minded. He advised me to never really shut my doors, and that it was good I keep my options open.

We exchanged contact information. He gave me the meeting times of his Christianity club here on campus, and I willingly gave him my e-mail (but not my phone number this time).

I really enjoyed talking and mostly listening to him. At first, I was honestly a little uncomfortable when he was reading me the little yellow paper book, but I thought he was a really good person. I still don't think I will ever actually walk into Christianity. I wish I could have just conversed with him normally, without all of the religious speak.

Sorry Sol, but I don't think I'm ready to open my door to its full extent, at least not right now.

[May 16th, 2007]

I still don't really know what to think about all of it. In some ways, I believe I'm actually afraid of religion; not the idea of religion itself, but rather being afraid of accepting religion as a part of myself.

Save the date.

2008-02-01T22:21:00.000-05:00

02.01.08
Academi Japanese Denim
Relaxed Straight Dry Grey Flame Selvage

01.31.08
Hair braided.

The past few days,

2008-01-30T06:02:00.000-05:00

I have been riding a sea saw on the edge of a mental breakdown.

I keep thinking in my head, "I can't. I just can't do it." But at the same time, I cannot allow myself to stop moving. It's been really conflicting, because I just want to not be here. I feel like I have no where to go, and no one to go to anymore.

The worst part, is that I have barely had time to even just sit down and sob. I really want to, but my mind just tells me to be stronger for not only myself, but for others. I've been playing that role ever since elementary. I really don't want to anymore, but that's not who I am.

Auntie Gayle.

2008-01-24T04:37:00.000-05:00

So, I've really been wanting to "reinvent" myself once again by rockin' off a new hairstyle. It's time for a change, but I have no idea of how I should cut it. At least it's long enough for the possibilities to be endless... somewhat.

Well, that's about it.

Peace cakes.

Mazumdar 1.

2008-01-22T01:08:00.000-05:00

Man, I love taking classes by Professor Mazumdar. Last quarter was "Cultural Ecology and Environmental Design," (how culture affects domestic architecture, etc. etc.) and this quarter is all about "Elements of Environmental Design" (where we get to design actual buildings and such). Mr. Sanjoy Mazumdar said that UCI used to have his "Cultural Ecology and Environmental Design" class as a social ecology requirement. I have no idea why they would change that. There should be more courses on how culture affects everything... that there is in the world... I'm glad I'm taking another course by him this quarter, as well as a Psychology and Social Behavior class on "Human Development in Cross-Cultural Perspective," taught by funny guy Mr. Chuansheng Chen.

I just thought I'd share my first assignment for one of my Urban and Regional Planning classes. It's a "reflection on home." Basically somewhat of my childhood briefly laid out onto paper. It was a little nostalgic to write it. Just a little bit.

Throughout my life, there have been four main homes I consider to have actually lived in. There is the apartment in Newport Beach, where I currently reside for going to college at the University of California, Irvine. There is my parents’ house in Northern California, where I spent almost half of my life living in. There is also my grandmother’s house that is only a block away from my parents’, which I consider being like a second home to me since my brother and I would stay there during the day when my parents went to work. The last home is where I was raised until nine years old, which is also located in Northern California. This home in particular, has always been the one to evoke many memories and emotions.

There have been several prominent events that have occurred in this house to make it the most vividly remembered home. Many of these events happen to bring about negative emotions, but a few positive ones as well. This house was one story tall, but with an expansive area. From the outside, you can see the tall front windows spanning across from what seemed like the whole half of the house. On the side of the windows laid the flat one-step cement front porch, where I sat one afternoon after being kicked out by my alcoholic father for refusing to stop crying. Then there was the front door, chipped at the edges where the robber broke into our house and stole my mother’s prized stereo system and jewelry.

Upon entering the house, there was a large spread of cold white tiles where I remember always shying away behind my mother as strangers knocked on the door. Immediately across from this tiled floor was the living room, which held a mighty fireplace stuck into a wall of earthy jagged stones. I remember setting up a huge tent out in this well-carpeted room, pretending I was camping with my father and brother because our mother thought it would be too cold outside. It was also here that I would always witness my parents arguing. They would be constantly throwing words and fists at each other, and me sitting there crying without knowing what to do.

Separated by a large glass sliding door, you could enter the backyard from the living room. The whole backyard was laid out in a wooden deck, except for the side where there were lines of various fruit trees. The biggest tree of them all was the great apple tree, standing in a most spectacular manner. It was here in front of this tree, where my brother and I played with the stones that lay around this small orchard. We would collect these stones and gather them into a big glass jar. I was six years old when the jar suddenly exploded with hundreds of little glass shards flying into the air, and cutting my hand. Back into the house, and turning into the kitchen is where I ran to wash the blood that hastily fled from my hand.

Across from the sink where I cleaned my hand that was later stitched up, was the stove where I first experienced the phenomenon of burning and fire. I was no more than 4 or 5 years old when I accidentally swiped a cloth across the heated stove, lighting it on fire. In a panic, I ran to the family room and desperately smashed out the fire under the incredible black marble table, that was displayed as the centerpiece of the room. This same room was also where my first real pet was housed; a turtle with a dark brown shell, of which is still swimming along today.

These particular areas of the house are where I remember the most of my time spent living there. I will always have these memories and emotions in the back of my mind as I continuously move to other places. To me, it will always be my first actual home.

[There was a small sketch here that was on my actual paper. It was the front of my old house]

It's funny, because I've actually used this home in many papers I've written. I never seem to have a limit on how much I can express through it.

Self Progression, GO!

2008-01-18T18:47:00.000-05:00

I am a heavy believer in progression, whether it is socially or just simply of the self. It feels like I have made a lot of progress this week. From the beginning of this quarter, I've kept telling myself to "step up." It's seriously what I need to do and continue to do right now. Especially since I am now a 3rd year here, at UCI. It's really hard to comprehend that I am actually a junior, because it literally feels as if I've lost a whole year. What the hell happened last year? I do not know. That is exactly why I have been telling myself to step up. I feel like there is so much left for me to do here, and every minute lost is incredibly conflicting. "I would be wasting too much, not giving myself to others," which is why I have been devoting so much of myself to APSA. Not only is it something worth putting time into for the progression of Asian and Pacific Islander -Americans, but it's something I'm comfortable enough to say that I am a part of. Some people may know this already, but a lot do not; I've spent my so-far years at UCI feeling a little lost, with nothing to call a part of my own. This year, I've finally found something, which brings me more to say about my progression of this week.

It feels like I've spent a huge amount of time on an APSA related agenda this week. APSA board meeting, our constituents meeting, API Heritage Month meeting, APSA general meeting, cooking for our curry/ thai iced tea food sale, ASUCI meeting for APAAC funding, and APAAC meeting all this week. Crazy, right? It's been a good experience so far: organization (well, somewhat) with well-composed execution (from what I saw). Exactly what I like. Thanks Grace Young. And this again brings more, of a potential design/ web internship at the Cross-Cultural Center for next year? Mmmm. Honestly, I was surprised at our APAAC meeting in the Cross. I mean, I was shocked that Sherwyn was so interested in giving me an internship for web design or anything of that matter, based on seeing a simple site I made. I think I was surprised, because a lot of the times I don't feel very able with my knowledge of design and coding. Well, considering I've self-taught myself all of it, and my major is not even close to dealing with computers in that matter. It was really cool that she was so web-savvy. I never get to talk to people about that kind of stuff and have them actually understand. Web 2.0? Yeah, it's sexy, in a raw commercial and marketing kind of way. But that's what it's all about, communication through simple style and execution. I know I originally told Jenny that I wasn't too confident in my graphic design abilities (since I deal more with web design than graphic). Considering the current circumstances, I really should have just said yes to designing the flyer in the first place, but I believe my reasons to still be valid. Especially when I really want APAAC to look really professional. I honestly do not think we are taken seriously enough, particularly by ASUCI. Either that, or people don't even know who we are. I digress. So, I'm now working on the APAAC flyer. I don't know why I got so tangent of my whole "needing to step up this year," but during the meeting it sparked. But yeah, I already have an incredible idea, along with an incredible roommate with an incredible camera to help me.

This quarter, I am taking the usual four classes, working at the Gardiner Lab about 12 hours a week, and being webmaster/ external chair intern for the Asian Pacific Student Association. Oh yeah, and possibly regularly attending Uncultivated Rabbits meetings every week. Monday was my very first meeting, ever. I've honestly always wanted to go, but never really felt that comfortable as a writer/ spoken wordist to show up. Yeah, I liked it. And yes, I have been putting to good use of the two major things I have brought back to Irvine from my short time at home during winter break. My laptop has not been missed at all while soaking up everything that is my 24" iMac. I have also been keeping up quite well with practicing my acoustic guitar. Fierce.

All of this, yet I am still so far behind in my readings for classes. Hello three-day weekend, how are you?

Last of all, for some reason, last Saturday night's party came at me all at once. "Brandon, do you have trouble meeting women?" "How come you don't have a girlfriend? You seem like the type that always has a girlfriend, at all times." Yes, I do have trouble meeting women. Oh, I just haven't really found anyone down here in Irvine. Lies. Yes, I have been single for quite a long time, but I've realized now, that I really do not have anymore reasons to be.

Basically.

2008-01-12T03:03:00.001-05:00

It's about time I made a new blog/ journal.

Most of the times I wrote in these things, it was followed after some kind of emotional episode where I had no one to really talk to about it. Well, I believe in continuing what I have going for myself; just living and forgiving.

Current guilty pleasures

- driving while blasting All That Remains (favorite metalcore band)
- playing really bad guitar
- raison cigarettes

Needing/ wanting to do
- read new books I got
- redesign APSA site
- design this blog
- find something to substitute my gaming hunger

We'll see.

PS, recent accomplishments
- APAAC site
- leading first APSA general meeting activity
- turning in over $680 worth of signed timesheets for work

Mmm, APSA love and hard earned money.